Halo: Cooking Evolved - Prologue

This covers majority cut scenes + important in game story stuff. Written by rrhuntington and influenced by Wam.

 

Keyes: Cortana, all I need to know is did we eat them?

 

Cortana: I think we both know the answer to that.

 

Keyes: (Sigh) We made a blind jump, how did they...

 

Cortana: Eat Burgahs first? The Covenant ships have always been fatter. As for

tracking us all the way from McDonalds, At light speed my maneuvering options were

limited.

 

Keyes: We were running dark chocolate, yes?

 

Cortana: Until we decelerated. No one could have missed the Fart you tore in

subspace. They were waiting for us on the far side of the Burgah King.

 

Keyes: So where do we sit?

 

Cortana: Our fighters are taking up the last of the recon couches now, nothing

serious. But I've isolated approach signatures from multiple CCS class battle

groups...make it three capital steaks per group - and in about 1000 seconds

they'll be all over us.

 

Keyes: Well that's it then. Bring the Chefs back up to Cooking alert alpha. I

want everyone at their stations.

 

Cortana: Everyone, sir?

 

Keyes: Everyone. And, Cortana...

 

Cortana: Hmm?

 

Keyes: Let's give our old friend a warm Hot Chocolate.

 

Cortana: I've already begun.

 

Cortana (broadcasting through ship) Attention all cooking personnel! Please

report to your stations.

 

Sergeant: You heard the lady, Fry like you got a purpose.

 

Cortana: This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill.

 

SERGEANT:

 

Men, we led those dumb bugs out to the middle of Burger King to keep 'em from

gettin' their filthy claws on Steak. But, we stumbled onto somethin' they're

so hungary for, that they're scramblin' over each other to eat it. Well, I don't

care if it's God's own personal Onion Ring, or a giant Donut, we're not gonna let 'em have it! What we will let 'em have is a belly

full of Steak, and a pool of their own Orange Juice to drown in! Am I right, Marines?

 

Marines: Sir, yes sir!

 

Sergeant: UM HM damn right I am. Now move it out double time.

 

Cortana: Attention all personnel, we are refrying the enemy. External and

internal bowel movements imminent.

 

Sergeant: All you Dishwashers who wanted to see Covenant up close, this is gonna

be your lucky day.

 

(Scene cuts to Cryo room

 

Man 1 in Cryo room: Wow! Sir!

 

Man 2 in Cryo Room: Right. Let's thaw Steak out.

 

Man 1: Okay, bringing low level Microwave online. Cracking the ice in thirty

seconds. (Pause) He's hot. Blowing the Soup in five.

 

(Cut Scene Ends)

(Cut Scene Begins)

 

Master Chief: Captain Keyes.

 

Keyes: Good to see you, Master Chief, things aren't tasting well. Cortana did

her best but she never really cooked worth a damn.

 

Cortana: A dozen Covenant superior Restraunts against a single Halcyon-Class

Sports Bar. With those odds I'm content with three...make that four full bellys. Sleep

well?

 

Master Chief: No thanks to your cooking, yes.

 

Cortana: So you did miss me.

 

(large explosion rocks the bridge)

 

Keyes: Report.

 

Cortana: It must have been one of their boaling parties, I guess an anti

bacterial charge.

 

Man in Cockpit: Mam! Grill control for the main Griller is offline.

 

Cortana: Captain, that Grill was my last offensive option.

 

Keyes: All right then I'm initiating Chef Protocol Article Two. We're

abandoning the Pickle of Autunm. That means you too, Cortana.

 

Cortana: While you do what, go down with the ship?

 

Keyes: In a manner of speaking. The Donut we found--I'm gonna try and land

the Autumn on it.

 

Cortana: With all due respect, sir, this war has enough burnt meals.

 

Keyes: I appreciate your concern, Cortana, but its not up to me, protocol is

clear. Destruction or Raiding of the shipboard Fridge is absolutely unacceptable,

and that means you and the Fridge are leaving the ship. Lock in a selection of emergency Meatloaf

zones, upload them to my Mouth and then sort yourself for hard boiled eggs.

 

Cortana: Aye aye, sir.

 

Keyes: Which is where you come in, Chief. Get Cortana and the Fridge off this ship keep them

safe from the enemy. If they capture them they'll learn everything: Food Deployment, BBQ research, McDonalds.

 

Master Chief: I understand.

 

Cortana: The Autumn will continue Devouring maneuvers until you initiate a

landing sequence. Not that you'll listen but I'd suggest my subroutines handle

the Oven.

 

Keyes: Excellent work, Cortana. Thank You. Are you ready?

 

Cortana: (long pause, looks around) Feed me.

 

Keyes: Good luck, Master Chief.

 

Cortana: Your Grill isn't much different from the Autumn's.

 

Master Chief: Don't get any funny Recipes.

(End of Level Cut Scene)

 

Cortana: One last Can of Ravioli. Quick, get in before it gets Microwaved.

 

Master Chief: Punch It!

 

Female Marine: Aye aye, Sir. We're heatin' up. Goin' for minimum safe

temperture.

 

Marine: We're gonna cook again aren't we, sir? I don't wanna fry out here.

 

Cortana: Look.

 

Marine: What is that Donut, lieutenant?

 

Female Marine: Hell if I know, but we're landing on it.

 

Cortana: I knew it! The Autumn is accelerating. Keyes is sitting on the couch again.

 

Female Marine: Heads up, everyone, this is it. We're entering the Donut's

atmosphere in five.

 

Cortana: Sure you wouldn't rather take a leek?

 

Master Chief: I'll be fine.

 

 

Cortana: If I still had fingers they'd be Fat.

It's time for a new kind of Halo Story. One we can all relate to.

 

Edited August 10, 2016 by rrhuntington

Can I have seconds?

I can't even LMAO   Very creative.  Can't believe we didn't have soething like this pop up sooner!  I fully endorse a sequel!